The Dysfunctional Leather Family

Drama is the black hole of Leather. It draws almost everyone into its dark vacuum, robbing them of energy and the ability to mentor and assist others. Years ago I found myself drawn into one of these black holes. I fought the gravitational pull of such drama for a few weeks, finally protesting that my Leather had nothing to do with the foment of politics. And the response, "We are Family, and that means that things can often be dysfunctional. That is part of being a Family."

This is utter bullshit!

As adults we often form families in order to heal the wounds left by our biological families. Our goal in forming chosen families is to end the patterns of dysfunction that left us scarred in adolescence. Even though we protest that we do not want to reproduce these patterns in our adult relationships, we know of no other way to interact with others. As a result, we pass our dysfunction to our boys, our sirs, and our friends. A plague that manifests itself not only as physical abuse and emotional manipulation, but also as politics, drama, and gossip.

In the eighties I led parallel lives. I usually had a Daddy, an older Man who nurtured and guided me, and a man who was my primary partner, and with whom I relived the abuse of my biological family. A carbon copy of my childhood, a period of suspension between the night and the day selves. In 1990, both collided in a volatile relationship that ended in physical violence. At this time I realized that I needed a counselor to address the role of victim that I was playing out over and over again. I was unable to have a healthy, fraternal relationship due to the sexual and emotional abuse of my past.

At that time, my therapist said to me, "Abuse is not defined solely by an act. It is also the repetition of that act through emotional manipulation." I recalled the sexual abuse that I had suffered as a child and my subsequent manipulation by older brothers. And I realized that emotionally I was finding satisfaction from my abusive relationships.

Because Leather and kink lies outside of the hegemonic definitions of sexual health, we live in an environment where emotional problems can lurk undetected. For this reason, we must be diligent in our honesty, recognizing patterns of abusive behavior and dysfunction in ourselves. Any external attempt to police such patterns becomes ineffective without the willingness of both the abused and the abuser to cease such behaviors. No rules that we establish as a Community can stop the rampant abuse between dominant and submissive men unless they recognize the roles they play in the cycle.

Exiling abusers is no longer a possible tactic in dealing with this problem. With social networking sites, chat, and texting as the primary means of communication within our Community, expulsion is futile. Virtual space rather than physical place has become the nexus of the Leather/kink Men's Community. And it is impossible to flag the curious regarding potentially harmful men due to the myriad of online meeting sites.

I suggest a new paradigm. In order to root out the cancer, both the dominant man and submissive man must receive support and therapeutic intervention. We cannot simply exile them or deny them admittance to our bars. Rather, we must offer safe havens to those who need them, and to know to whom we can turn in the therapeutic and medical fields to assist those who need help.

As a Sir, I must acknowledge that the most I can do is to provide a safe haven for men who are trying to address this karma. I must recognize my limitations as a more experienced member of my Community. I can provide safety but I cannot offer therapeutic intervention. I can, however, help others find professionals who understand our issues as deviants and perverts. This is crucial in healing the wounds of abuse.

But first and foremost, before we can help others we must help ourselves. This is an indictment to all of us to boldly examine ourselves, to recognize the residual wounds from our past. And to obtain the counsel of professionals if we find ourselves thinking about these wounds on a recurring basis. This is the very first step in routing out the abuse in our midst.

Many shun therapy in the Leather Community, especially those men who claim dominance. They believe that they are somehow immune from the karmic effects of negative behaviors. Some believe that they can use SM in lieu of therapy. This is like saying that Leathermen do not need professional medical attention when they are ill. Many years ago Guy Baldwin spoke with me about this issue. He was quite direct. Play can have therapeutic effects but it is not a replacement for professional treatment.

There are a number of ways to find a therapist who is Leather/kink friendly. And while it is not the topic of this article, I would encourage anyone who is looking for therapy to put the question plainly to the mental health professional. Then ask for the opinions of others in the local Community. In choosing a therapist, one must be bold and discerning. This is very important.

About twenty years ago two women in the greater Leather Community offered me a place where I would be safe. Later, when my relationship dramatically ended, I was offered a place with my brother and friend, Al D Sowers. All three of these individuals did not save me. They did not coddle me. Rather, each expected me to put forth some effort to help myself. This is the key.

I remember the night that my life was threatened, talking to Al D at 3 am. As I spoke to him from a pay phone in Seattle's Capitol Hill neighborhood, he asked me if I could make it to his house a few miles away. "Do you have money for the bus?" he queried.

"Yes," I responded.

"Then come to my house. I will be waiting for you at the door."

About an hour later, I arrived at Al's house in Ballard. And sure enough he was there, standing at his door in his robe. He gave me a place to stay during those first months of therapy. And he continued to open his home to me whenever I needed a place to stay during my healing.

Brothers and sisters, we must help ourselves. Becoming the emotional police is not a permanent solution for ending abuse in our midst. We must first obtain help for ourselves in order to address our own unresolved issues. Only then can we help our brothers and sisters in the Community.

A weekend with the boys: The Aquila Clan

I am proud of the men that I mentor and protect. they form the core of my Leather. they are men who share a common direction with me in life. Together with my partner, they are my chosen family.

Each boy has his own totem, an animal that emerges during play. For a couple of the boys, this animal also defines how he interfaces with others in a social context. A guide in life. As their SIR, I acknowledge the totem of each. monkey, piggy, wolverine, and wolf.

My alpha boy gabe has been with me for almost three years. A boy of remarkable intelligence and wit, I value his opinion when making decisions in the Community. In seeming contradiction to his sly smile and constant laugh, he is one of the hardest playing boys that I have ever encountered, that rare breed that is not afraid of facing his darkest fears in the dungeon. he is the measure of a hard-playing boy. The robin to my Batman.

I met pj ten years ago through the Internet. I am proud to have played a small part in his initial steps into Leather. A submissive with a penchant for being literally underfoot, he harbors a serious boot fetish that meshes well with my own. he is not only a good boy but also a close friend. his steadfastness gives strength to the Clan. pj can often be found in a bar working my boots with his tongue. Or with his head firmly clamped between my legs. I am honored to be his Sir.

kent is a young dominant who wandered into a Seattle Men in Leather gathering eighteen months ago. “you remind Me of Myself many years ago,” I remarked to him. “If you ever need an older friend, I am here,” I added. Almost one year would pass until we decided to explore the Sir/boy option. Months after, I collared him. I am proud of kent's strength in approaching adversity, and I look forward to seeing him fulfill his potential as a sir in the future.

doug is the newest member of the Clan. We met online almost four years ago and have spent many evenings in conversation about Leather and play. More than one year ago he came to Seattle and spent the weekend collared to me. That weekend was the spark that ignited the passion that I have for him. More canine than boy, his wild nature in play suggested his totem, “wolf.” A fiercely loyal submissive.

I love my boys. they are the foundation of my Leather.

Protocols and Leather Family Values

As an older LeatherMan I have been involved in a number of Leather families. Each family seemed to define itself by its members and the person who facilitated its inception. In a community where identity often falls outside of mainstream classifications, this is not surprising. The common element uniting all of these families, the desire to create a safe and nurturing environment.

Each sir creates his family based on the values he embraces relative to the Leather tradition. For some sirs, protocols define the family. Others feel a physical home is essential in establishing a family. For others, a shared role relative to the Community.

To me, a Leather Family is a place of total security. A place where one knows that he is always valued and respected. It is an environment free of the politics and drama of the mainstream. Bonds founded on trust.

I grew up in a biofamily that was, for all practical purposes, a combat zone. My father ruled with a patriarchal fist. My brothers and sisters were always jockeying for position. Who was the most intelligent? The most talented? The most athletic? As the middle child and the Gay son I soon grew adept at playing a role, too. In short, my biofamily was not much different from other biofamilies, a dysfunctional group where appearances were everything.

A boy in my Leather Family knows that he can share things without judgment. he understands that he can express his deepest feelings and desires and be respected for them. he can take off the mask that filters the gaze of parents and siblings and show himself for who he really is. Sir facilitates this secure environment.

In my Leather Family I relate to each boy differently. And each has his own protocols depending on the bond that we share. My alpha has the most stringent protocols because that is what we negotiated. The newest boy, the fewest protocols. Outside of a few basic protocols that rule my Family, additional protocols grow organically from the interaction I have with each boy.

I consider this application of protocols a post-modern approach to traditional Leather. My alpha has the strictest because W/we have negotiated a more historical approach to the Sir/boy bond. The same use of protocols with my second boy would be absurd, given his long-term partnership. I recognize another boy as a sir-in-training. And the newest, an experienced man who wants the comfort of a strong, Gay Sir. A few of these boys are polyamorous.

I understand roles and monogamy/polyamory to be integral to each boy's sexual identity. To insist that a polyamorous boy adapt to the same protocols as a traditionally-identified boy would be to deny this identity. Like asking a Gay man to live a heterosexual life to learn the mechanics of sex. I believe that my role is to facilitate an environment that will encourage boys to live out their potential, not to limit it. For this reason, protocols are constantly a work in progress.

Protocols are the outward manifestation of the relationship between the Sir and His boy.