The Dysfunctional Leather Family

Drama is the black hole of Leather. It draws almost everyone into its dark vacuum, robbing them of energy and the ability to mentor and assist others. Years ago I found myself drawn into one of these black holes. I fought the gravitational pull of such drama for a few weeks, finally protesting that my Leather had nothing to do with the foment of politics. And the response, "We are Family, and that means that things can often be dysfunctional. That is part of being a Family."

This is utter bullshit!

As adults we often form families in order to heal the wounds left by our biological families. Our goal in forming chosen families is to end the patterns of dysfunction that left us scarred in adolescence. Even though we protest that we do not want to reproduce these patterns in our adult relationships, we know of no other way to interact with others. As a result, we pass our dysfunction to our boys, our sirs, and our friends. A plague that manifests itself not only as physical abuse and emotional manipulation, but also as politics, drama, and gossip.

In the eighties I led parallel lives. I usually had a Daddy, an older Man who nurtured and guided me, and a man who was my primary partner, and with whom I relived the abuse of my biological family. A carbon copy of my childhood, a period of suspension between the night and the day selves. In 1990, both collided in a volatile relationship that ended in physical violence. At this time I realized that I needed a counselor to address the role of victim that I was playing out over and over again. I was unable to have a healthy, fraternal relationship due to the sexual and emotional abuse of my past.

At that time, my therapist said to me, "Abuse is not defined solely by an act. It is also the repetition of that act through emotional manipulation." I recalled the sexual abuse that I had suffered as a child and my subsequent manipulation by older brothers. And I realized that emotionally I was finding satisfaction from my abusive relationships.

Because Leather and kink lies outside of the hegemonic definitions of sexual health, we live in an environment where emotional problems can lurk undetected. For this reason, we must be diligent in our honesty, recognizing patterns of abusive behavior and dysfunction in ourselves. Any external attempt to police such patterns becomes ineffective without the willingness of both the abused and the abuser to cease such behaviors. No rules that we establish as a Community can stop the rampant abuse between dominant and submissive men unless they recognize the roles they play in the cycle.

Exiling abusers is no longer a possible tactic in dealing with this problem. With social networking sites, chat, and texting as the primary means of communication within our Community, expulsion is futile. Virtual space rather than physical place has become the nexus of the Leather/kink Men's Community. And it is impossible to flag the curious regarding potentially harmful men due to the myriad of online meeting sites.

I suggest a new paradigm. In order to root out the cancer, both the dominant man and submissive man must receive support and therapeutic intervention. We cannot simply exile them or deny them admittance to our bars. Rather, we must offer safe havens to those who need them, and to know to whom we can turn in the therapeutic and medical fields to assist those who need help.

As a Sir, I must acknowledge that the most I can do is to provide a safe haven for men who are trying to address this karma. I must recognize my limitations as a more experienced member of my Community. I can provide safety but I cannot offer therapeutic intervention. I can, however, help others find professionals who understand our issues as deviants and perverts. This is crucial in healing the wounds of abuse.

But first and foremost, before we can help others we must help ourselves. This is an indictment to all of us to boldly examine ourselves, to recognize the residual wounds from our past. And to obtain the counsel of professionals if we find ourselves thinking about these wounds on a recurring basis. This is the very first step in routing out the abuse in our midst.

Many shun therapy in the Leather Community, especially those men who claim dominance. They believe that they are somehow immune from the karmic effects of negative behaviors. Some believe that they can use SM in lieu of therapy. This is like saying that Leathermen do not need professional medical attention when they are ill. Many years ago Guy Baldwin spoke with me about this issue. He was quite direct. Play can have therapeutic effects but it is not a replacement for professional treatment.

There are a number of ways to find a therapist who is Leather/kink friendly. And while it is not the topic of this article, I would encourage anyone who is looking for therapy to put the question plainly to the mental health professional. Then ask for the opinions of others in the local Community. In choosing a therapist, one must be bold and discerning. This is very important.

About twenty years ago two women in the greater Leather Community offered me a place where I would be safe. Later, when my relationship dramatically ended, I was offered a place with my brother and friend, Al D Sowers. All three of these individuals did not save me. They did not coddle me. Rather, each expected me to put forth some effort to help myself. This is the key.

I remember the night that my life was threatened, talking to Al D at 3 am. As I spoke to him from a pay phone in Seattle's Capitol Hill neighborhood, he asked me if I could make it to his house a few miles away. "Do you have money for the bus?" he queried.

"Yes," I responded.

"Then come to my house. I will be waiting for you at the door."

About an hour later, I arrived at Al's house in Ballard. And sure enough he was there, standing at his door in his robe. He gave me a place to stay during those first months of therapy. And he continued to open his home to me whenever I needed a place to stay during my healing.

Brothers and sisters, we must help ourselves. Becoming the emotional police is not a permanent solution for ending abuse in our midst. We must first obtain help for ourselves in order to address our own unresolved issues. Only then can we help our brothers and sisters in the Community.

An Open Letter to IMsL 2010: San Francisco, CA

To Mollena -

Thank you for your frank words during your step down speech. I respect your strength in using this potentially crippling scene as a catalyst for helping others. And I appreciate your generosity of spirit in thanking those who helped you overcome this obstacle in your Leather journey.

During the intermission before you delivered your speech, I spoke with one of the ImsL judges about a similar occurrence in my own life that happened more than twenty years ago. “You were an innocent boy and didn't know what to do. We knew we had to help,” explained Sharrin Spector. Sharrin, together with my friend Karen Taylor, knew about my abusive home situation. The week before they stepped in a number of my belongings had been destroyed. On one occasion, the man that I trusted had hurled a pair of hair clippers at me, missing my head by inches and making a large gash in the right speaker of my expensive stereo.

Most men in the Seattle Community turned a blind eye to the situation, choosing not become involved. “Just deal with it,” advised a prominent titleholder. “If we all broke up when stuff like this happened, there wouldn't be many male relationships.” he added.

I recall that feeling of loneliness and isolation. Why had I decided to join such a fucked up Community? Perhaps I should have continued playing out my perverted fantasies in the closet as I had for the previous five years.

Sharrin and Karen met with me on a Saturday evening and suggested that I spend the night in a safe place. “You can stay with me,” invited Karen. “You will be safe. No one but us will know you are here.”

I accepted her invitation to spend the night and left a message at the machine at home that I was safe and would return the following day. I knew that the message would not be retrieved until the wee hours of the morning when he returned, horny and half drunk. What I did not anticipate was the fury that would follow.

The next Monday, Al “D” Sowers approached me. Al had always been a more experienced friend. He was also outspoken in the men's Community and refused to conform to the crowd. “If you ever need a safe place again, call me,” Al admonished as he handed me his phone number on a card. Little did he know that I would be chased down the street the following day at 3 AM and would be calling him.

“you faggot! I am going to fucking kill you!” I will never forget those words as I ran down street after street in the November cold. I had escaped the house with only the clothes on my back and a few dollars in my wallet.

Days later, Sharrin met me at my house to help me move. “I remember seeing you on the porch with twelve small boxes containing everything you owned in the world,”she said.

I had forgotten that day, that emptiness. I had given total control to another, and he had broken that trust. I felt violated.

In the subsequent months, this man would continue to threaten and harass me. “you are MINE,” he screamed into the phone one day. “And if I can't have you, No One will!” Finally, in desperation, I obtained a restraining order in the courts. Not what I anticipated as a Leatherboy.

Yes, Mollena, I also know what it feels like to be abused by someone you once trusted in our community. And I know how important it is to heal and to begin to trust again in others. Most important, it is vital that we eradicate such behavior from our Community while offering support to others.

Thank you, Mollena for your honesty and your leadership during the past year.

In Leather Brotherhood,

Sir Hugh B Russell
International LeatherSIR 2010