During this Holiday season I have had little to give the boys in an emotional sense. In spite of Leather Family, friends, and a supportive partner, I have felt alone. I have been focused on how to survive the end of December, a period usually filled with the joy of Yuletide.
My partner observed my struggle this season and admonished me last week to focus on myself. This is challenging when others look to me for mentorship and service in the form of guidance. I have little to give to them. And the boys, concerned about SIR, want to help but there is nothing that they can do. Surviving the first Holiday without my mother has been one of the most painful times of my life.
My struggle to survive has has caused me to think about the question I usually ask SIR contestants in interviews, “What makes you a SIR?” I have yet to hear the answer that I want to hear, a comment pointing to the fact that a SIR is defined by the role he plays in a boy's life. Given that I have offered little to the boys during this Holiday season, I question if I am indeed a SIR.
A SIR should always strong for his boys. A SIR should not vulnerable to depression and despair. Leather textbooks say nothing about those moments when a SIR feels vulnerable to his own emotions. Images do not exist showing SIRs in contemplation and grief. Indeed, the palette of emotions that a SIR should show seems to be limited. A butch man castrated by a fantasy self.
The roles that have historically emerged in our Community are idealized portraits. The praxis of SIR/boy has been modified by fiction, porn, and the fantastical images of visual artists. They exist solely as models, sexual paradigms. Images that fuel our fantasies during masturbation.
As I look in the mirror each morning, I do not actually see myself. Rather, I see a self through the filter of my experience and my desire. An idea that I use as a measure. To see myself honestly and outside of this measure is also an idea, an impossibility. I submit that there is no escape other than to recognize this process, especially in times of crisis. In short, the understanding of myself as SIR must always be approximate.
Recognizing this process is an honest act. An act of integrity and strength. As counsel to boys, I invoke the wise words of a foolish man. “To thine own self be true.”
Thursday, December 30, 2010
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Sir,
ReplyDeleteI would submit that one of the greatest gifts a Sir could give to his boys is that of being a role model when it comes to learning how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. The holes you mention in your idealized version of a Sir are the same holes that exist in our idealized version of what it means to be man in general.
The idea that a man is strong by suppressing and not dealing with the full range of his emotions is one that has haunted mankind, stunting the emotional growth and health of men. I would posit that to show boys something beyond this stereotype, a Sir that does feel and does grieve and yet can work through this pain to overcome it, is a much greater gift than the stoic Sir shown in IML posters and porn.
Our pain, our mistakes, and our human frailties are all gifts we have to learn from and in the process, teach others.
My heart goes out to you and yours and you know my Master's house is always there for you if you need us.
In Leather,
redwarrior
slave of ShibariPyro
Sir
ReplyDeleteI had the honor and pleasure of be a fellow contestant during the 2010 ILSb contest. I had always thought you to be a good person. I have not had the pleasure of getting to know you personally, however, after reading your last post, I am certain that you more than a good person but one someone could admire and respect. I say that because of your honesty in the post. So often we are expected to be strong as you mentioned. And so often we deal with the same thoughts and concerns as anyone else. I think this is one of the first times I have seen a Leathermen lay out the raw feeling as you just did. I give you support from afar in dealing with everything. I hope other Leathermen read this as well.
Miles B
SIR,
ReplyDeleteYour willingness to share this piece of you is exactly what makes you a SIR. I second what redwarrior has already said. I know that I look to SIRs for far more than coaching on what is sexually okay, desirable, and acceptable as a Leatherman/boy.
I look to them for guidance on what it is to live with integrity, honesty, strength in spite of circumstance. I look to SIR's example to show me how to balance the role of Man in a society that tells me to swallow it and just look good/strong/like I know what I am doing--even when it is at risk of harm to myself or others.
Please know you are supported and looked to with respect by many a Leatherperson in this time of immense loss and grief.
Namaste.
Dylan
NWCBB 2011