Protocols and Leather Family Values

As an older LeatherMan I have been involved in a number of Leather families. Each family seemed to define itself by its members and the person who facilitated its inception. In a community where identity often falls outside of mainstream classifications, this is not surprising. The common element uniting all of these families, the desire to create a safe and nurturing environment.

Each sir creates his family based on the values he embraces relative to the Leather tradition. For some sirs, protocols define the family. Others feel a physical home is essential in establishing a family. For others, a shared role relative to the Community.

To me, a Leather Family is a place of total security. A place where one knows that he is always valued and respected. It is an environment free of the politics and drama of the mainstream. Bonds founded on trust.

I grew up in a biofamily that was, for all practical purposes, a combat zone. My father ruled with a patriarchal fist. My brothers and sisters were always jockeying for position. Who was the most intelligent? The most talented? The most athletic? As the middle child and the Gay son I soon grew adept at playing a role, too. In short, my biofamily was not much different from other biofamilies, a dysfunctional group where appearances were everything.

A boy in my Leather Family knows that he can share things without judgment. he understands that he can express his deepest feelings and desires and be respected for them. he can take off the mask that filters the gaze of parents and siblings and show himself for who he really is. Sir facilitates this secure environment.

In my Leather Family I relate to each boy differently. And each has his own protocols depending on the bond that we share. My alpha has the most stringent protocols because that is what we negotiated. The newest boy, the fewest protocols. Outside of a few basic protocols that rule my Family, additional protocols grow organically from the interaction I have with each boy.

I consider this application of protocols a post-modern approach to traditional Leather. My alpha has the strictest because W/we have negotiated a more historical approach to the Sir/boy bond. The same use of protocols with my second boy would be absurd, given his long-term partnership. I recognize another boy as a sir-in-training. And the newest, an experienced man who wants the comfort of a strong, Gay Sir. A few of these boys are polyamorous.

I understand roles and monogamy/polyamory to be integral to each boy's sexual identity. To insist that a polyamorous boy adapt to the same protocols as a traditionally-identified boy would be to deny this identity. Like asking a Gay man to live a heterosexual life to learn the mechanics of sex. I believe that my role is to facilitate an environment that will encourage boys to live out their potential, not to limit it. For this reason, protocols are constantly a work in progress.

Protocols are the outward manifestation of the relationship between the Sir and His boy.