For What It's Worth

Today I sat looking at my doctor as he showed me the images of my left ankle. "Your decades of dance have taken their toll on your body," he said showing me an x-ray. "I am surprised that only your left is giving you trouble."

I sat quietly taking it all in. I thought of the accolades over the years and wondered if it was worth it: 1973 World Champion Scottish Highland Dancer; corps, then soloist, and principal with Ballet West and Pacific Northwest Ballet; successful choreographer; movement instructor; modern dancer; movement artist. I had destroyed my joints over the decades, pushing my body to the limit and then beyond.

I am a man who never backs down from a challenge. Being a masochist I have a huge pain threshold. This year, I have endured months and months of pain, refusing to acknowledge that I needed medical attention.

I thought of the 1000's of people who have applauded me over the decades. And the reviews of critics who celebrated my work. I never faced a bad review, either for my interpretations as a performance artist or a choreographer. Was it worth it?

The doctor explained possible limitations in the future. He recommended that I avoid running and jumping, putting undue stress on the joints. "The time has come to face the music," he said.

I thought of the many people who paid to see me perform, fans that even now recognize me on the streets of Seattle. And then I thought of those people who stand beside me today, supportive and concerned: my partner, my boys, my slave, and a few friends.

Was it worth pushing my body beyond its physical capabilities? This question remains with me as I write this entry.

In Leather we often push ourselves beyond our limits. And all too often we do things for the accolades of others. We want to be accepted, to be acknowledged, to be celebrated as a traditional, "Old Guard" Leatherman, a serious member of the Community. When all is said and done, we must face the music. We must ask ourselves, "Was it worth it?"

I have no regrets. My performance career included Highland Dancing, ballet, modern dance, musical theatre, avante garde performance, and even Leather events. I followed my heart and never held anything back. In spite of the recent diagnosis, I love the experiences that make up my life.

And it has been worth it because I have followed my heart. I have not done things for the applause, for the accolades. The impetus has always come from the inside, from within.

To invoke the Bard once again, "To thine own self be true." This saying hangs upon one of the walls of my home. And it is tattooed around the neck of my partner. The key to a happy life.